I sat in the hallway for a little while and pouted; I really liked what was behind that door! I had pity parties, leaned on some loving shoulders, wrote several angry journal entries, and asked God "why not?" Then I looked at the only door left to me. The first week back in Nicaragua, after a Christmas visit home, found me with both feet in the hallway, peering into that door. From what I can tell so far, it doesn’t promise a crazy thrill ride, but more like a peaceful, insightful spin on the carousel.

Now, let me put it to you literally. My heart is finally 100% in Nicaragua. Thank goodness, because that’s where it is supposed to be, but I confess I have been slightly betraying myself and my journey. Upon my acknowledgment of that last statement, my heart rested for the first time in five months. Already, I am discovering some truths about myself that I didn’t recognize while distracted.

I am traveling to the other six Rainbow Network projects now during the week, which means I am only in San Ramon - home - on the weekends. When I finally arrived home on Saturday afternoon, I was so happy that I started crying, out of joy. Then, a pang of grief came over me as I realized I am on the downhill part of this journey. I have between four and five months left in Nicaragua. My tears turned to sobs of sadness. I’ve only left Nicaragua knowing I would be back in a few weeks, but soon I will leave for good, perhaps. I will no longer come home to the smiling faces of my Nicaraguan family, excited to see me. My little Nica sister is becoming an adolescent, changing every day, and soon I will no longer be able to watch her grow. I soon won’t rattle off Spanish on a daily basis or sit in a rocking chair on the front porch all day with a good book, sun warming my body and breeze blowing through my hair.

I was surprised at the acknowledgment of these feelings. I had no idea any of these things meant so much to me. I didn’t know I liked Nicaragua so much. How could I after all? It’s here that I have hit some big walls emotionally, felt the worst loneliness of my life, been so bored I nearly (or literally) lost my mind, felt lost and without purpose, felt like giving up and going home. It’s been up and down.

However, this place has also nurtured me. It has turned me into a different woman. I love and feel more. Sometimes, while out in the rural communities, I look deep into a mother or a child’s eyes, and for a brief moment, I feel something very strong for that person. I feel the pain or joy behind their expressions, words, embrace, and touch. Perhaps, in a flash of consciousness, I actually feel their struggle. This country and these people have made me a more sensitive, gentle person. I’ve come to understand the greatness in small acts of kindness. I also have a good group of friends here - North American and Nicaraguan. We all get together and share laughter, music, bottles of wine, culture, languages, perspectives, and gratitude for each other’s presence and influence. On these nights I am reminded of the innate, basic sameness of us all, whether from the developed or developing world.

I think I can best explain it like this: Nicaragua is becoming a part of my identity. I have already done so much self discovery and growing here that this place is becoming a slither of who I am. That said, my experience in Costa Rica taught me that I haven’t even begun to feel most of the changes going on inside of me yet - they usually show up once the adventure is over. I’m starting to feel like myself here just as much as I do in the states. Just imagine what’s to come in the next five months.

Turns out, I have an attachment to Nicaragua, but it took me losing a beautiful distraction to recognize the magnificence of my present. Maybe that door hitting me in the you-know-what on the way out was the best thing that could have happened to me. Funny how that works in life. So, what is this new door that has finally (FINALLY!) been opened? My guess is one of great discovery. The door I should have opened on August 3, 2007 upon my arrival to Nicaragua .

Jessi

Jan. 4^th at Crosslines our volunteers served 187 people (64 families). Twajana & Don Chasteen, Hubert Lines, Dick Griter, Nancy Davis, and Joan Young helped with shopping and transporting the donations. Huck Roberts, Norene Rinker, Emogene Cassy, Myrna White, Katie Squires, and Sandy Donovan helped distribute the donations. Items needed now are spaghetti, dry beans, macaroni & cheese, jelly, peanut butter, pudding mix, and canned spaghetti sauce, fruit, meat, tuna, juice, green beans, and peas. There is always a need for large paper grocery sacks. Thanks to all who donate their time, items, and money. The ministry in which you are participating is truly helping those in need.

Joan Young